Goddamned Loser
3:48 p.m. - 2002-12-18
I'm going to try not to let my irritation and contempt spill out onto this page. I'm going to TRY to be calm and rational about what I'm going to say.
I am sick of my friend. No, not best friend, though he can get on my nerves sometimes--I love him. Today. Right now. Things are looking a little shaky, but for the most part, we're cool. My other friend. We'll call her...Melissa. Because that IS her name, and I don't want to waste time making up a pseudonym for someone I'm sick of dealing with.
I love Melissa. She's got a good heart. Problem is, her entire existence is controlled by drugs. I don't mean pot or pills. For her, injectables are a preference. She loves sticking a needle in her arm. She loves it. I fucking HATE it. She picks the nastiest, trashiest, most disgusting loser men. She even got pregnant by one and married him. And shot up Crystal Meth while she was pregnant. And she told me, honest to God, that the doctor said it was okay. OKAY? She's a fucking lunatic.
The baby turned out fine though (as far as I can tell). The loser husband got arrested and put in jail for like, three years (for meth), and Melissa and the baby moved in with her parents. All went well for awhile. For a long time, actually. Mel seemed to have her shit straight and be focused on what was important--her baby and their future. She got back in school. She started acting like a mature, responsible adult. Like a mother. She cooked, she ate well. She looked good--healthy.
Then she met loser number 2. She told her husband (who's still in jail) that she didn't want to be married anymore. Because she'd started sleeping with some little 19 year old drug dealer that JUST got out of jail. He's a thug. A total and complete thug. He's a worthless piece of shit. God...I don't even know him, and I HATE him. I'm beginning to hate her. Because she's doing all that shit again. She's sticking needles in her arm that are full of poison. She's taking her baby to places where drug deals are going on. She's dragging that adorable, defenseless, precious little girl into virtual crack houses, and she's too fucked up to even think twice about it. And her goddamned parents are evidently too fucking stupid to realize what the fuck is going on. Goddammit.
I wish I knew what to do. I wish I could slap her hard and make her realize what she's throwing away. I wish she would just wake up and realize that she's fucking up her life, and more importantly, her baby's. But she won't. She'll die first. Or child protective services will get the baby. Or her parents will take the baby. Or she'll get arrested. I'm beginning to think that that's what she needs...to get arrested. Then they can lock her up and she can see what it's like to be cut off from everything. To be alone. To feel. To not be able to just painlessly fall into MelissaLand with the aid of a syringe and not care about anything. She needs to see who she's hurting, and how much. But I don't even know if that would do any good. When do you reach the point of no turning back? How far does one have to go before they can't see where they started from?
Apparently until they reach the next loser.