Letting Go
6:04 p.m. - 2003-05-13

Some days entries just don't come easily to me. Usually this happens when nothing interesting has gone on in my life...or when there are so many thoughts swirling around in my head that I can't seem to sort them out. Today is one of those days.

To begin, thank you, and you, and you, and you. As a matter of fact, thanks to EVERYONE who sent me love via the guestbook...I need(ed) it.

I've decided that the best thing to do is to completely cut ties with Jasmine and Melissa. That's the only option left, and even though the thought of not having them in my life hurts like hell, there's no other way around it. There can't be a "grey area" in my friendship with them, because I'm not equipped to handle it. I've given as much of my heart to them as humanly possible, and I can't do it anymore.

Don't get me wrong...they've both given back. When they're sober, they're two of the most wonderful people I've ever known. But when syringes and opiates and uppers and downers take control of someone's life--when getting high becomes the top priority--then it's time to walk away. I can't change this situation. I've done all that I can. I've tried...God knows I've tried. I've talked, and reasoned, and cried, and begged. I've lied for them, and that's something that I hardly ever do.

Saturday, I saved Jasmine's life...and now it's up to her to save herself. I just don't know if she can do it.

It's not like I was completely unaware of the situation. Everyone told me that something like this was going to happen. I knew it all along, but I just wouldn't let myself admit it. I knew they were addicts. I was aware of what they were doing, but my vision was obscured by the fact that I love them.

I realize now that when you allow yourself to love someone in a situation like theirs, you have to be prepared to lose them. I almost lost Jasmine the other night...I can't stand by and watch her destroy herself anymore.

I'm sick of hearing about relapses and addictive personalities. I'm fed up with excuses and apologies. As much as I care about them, I have my own life to live. I have a career, a home, a family, and a partner. I have goals and dreams.

Now I've got to have enough strength to let go.

All my love,

A.

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I am: so very many things. A mother, a wife, a dreamer, a lover of animals and babies, a friend. I've been called a bitch, but if that's what you call someone who stands up for what they believe in and refuses to settle, then I guess the title fits.

loves: my family, horses, a full night's sleep, puppy breath, my daughter's laughter, thunderstorms, bubble baths, makeup, soft sheets, David Sedaris and Augusten Burroughs, wine, massages, the written word, and sour straws.

dislikes: closed minds, depression, pimples, extreme heat, math, panic attacks, black licorice, doing laundry, white chocolate, gin, Bush.

feeling:
hopeful