Don't Know What You Got 'Til It's (Almost) Gone...
11:26 a.m. - 2007-07-01

And so it begins again.

I don't mean to go so long in between updates, but I do. There's no since in beating myself up about it; I get busy. Probably not too busy to write, but that's just the thing that gets pushed to the back burner. Ah, well.

So, a couple of Saturdays ago I woke up with a some bleeding. I'd had a tiny bit of spotting a few days before, but it was old, brown blood, and just a teensy amount of it, so I didn't worry. On Saturday it was a larger amount, and it was bright red.

Immediately my mind went back to Sept. 11, 2004. My miscarriage.

I was very upset, which actually surprised me a little. This pregnancy has been filled with so many mixed emotions, doubts, and uncertainties that I wasn't even sure how I felt about it. Seeing the blood solidified that regardless of how scared I am about having another baby so soon, I absolutely want this child. I didn't even realize how much I wanted this baby until I was hit with the possibility of not having it anymore.

The doctor on-call was friendly and compassionate, but told me that it didn't sound good. He instructed me to go to the ER as soon as possible for an ultrasound and check, and that they would call him if they needed him. A shower and twenty minutes later, we loaded up in Alan's truck to begin the hour long drive to the ER. We left Ali with my mom.

I managed to hold back my tears until I saw my mother come out of her front door. She hugged me tightly and told me how sorry she was, and I broke down. I was still holding out hope even as the tears streamed down my face, but the cramps in my stomach were slowly convincing me that I needed to start letting go.

Alan drove 80 mph with his hazard on the whole way, but it still took forever to get there. I was ushered into the office through the emergency room, asked about my symptoms and the general height/weight/date of last period questions, and then we were asked to wait. An elderly woman in tears came in after us, surrounded by her family. She'd fallen in the shower and hurt her arm, and they let her in before me. It didn't really matter at that point, because if I was having a miscarriage there was nothing they could do.

Finally we were ushered to a room, and I was handed a cup to pee in. Then I stripped down and got into the standard issue hospital gown and waited for the doctor. He arrived quickly with an ultrasound machine.

I was expecting a vaginal ultrasound, since that's what they did last time I had a miscarriage, but he used the belly one. I couldn't see the screen, so I watched his face instead. His concern was evident as he moved the stick over my bump, and then I saw a flicker of surprise, and his brow relaxed.

"There it is! There's your baby," he said to me. "Oh, it moved! Did you see that?"

I couldn't see anything, so I looked to Alan, who was standing behind me with his hand on my shoulder. His face was spread into a wide grin, and I instantly knew that he'd seen our bean. His eyes met mine, and he nodded. "He's kicking!"

(He? Wishful thinking, I guess.)

"Ah, yes. There's the heartbeat," the doctor said. "See that flickering? It's nice and strong."

I wiped my eyes, still unable to say anything. Finally I managed, "So it's okay?"

"It certainly seems to be. I still have to do a pelvic check to make sure that your cervix is closed, but I think your baby is fine."

He did the check, and everything was as it should be. I was diagnosed with a "threatened miscarriage," though they still don't know for sure what caused it. I'm supposed to "take it easy," refrain from lifting anything heavy (like Ali) or vacuuming, not have sex, and follow up with my doctor. Who is out of town for three weeks, and therefore unavailable. Who practices alone, and I've no idea who she refers patients to, because the nurse that I talked to acted like I was just shit out of luck.

I'm not in the mood to play musical doctors this pregnancy, so I'll be having a serious talk with this woman at my appointment on the 18th.


Alan bought me a new camera the other day, and I'm in LOVE. I've already taken nearly 300 pictures, and I've been toying around with Photoshop a bit, though I'm pretty clueless. Apparently Dell thought it would be *hilarious* to charge us $200 for Photoshop 4.0 a year ago, and I'm seriously pissed off that it's completely out of date and that none of the tutorials I can find online are focused on stone-age Photoshop. Hopefully I can find a better version somewhere...

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I am: so very many things. A mother, a wife, a dreamer, a lover of animals and babies, a friend. I've been called a bitch, but if that's what you call someone who stands up for what they believe in and refuses to settle, then I guess the title fits.

loves: my family, horses, a full night's sleep, puppy breath, my daughter's laughter, thunderstorms, bubble baths, makeup, soft sheets, David Sedaris and Augusten Burroughs, wine, massages, the written word, and sour straws.

dislikes: closed minds, depression, pimples, extreme heat, math, panic attacks, black licorice, doing laundry, white chocolate, gin, Bush.