'Til death doesn't mean you should kill yourself trying.
3:04 p.m. - 2006-08-10

I'm running on empty today. The past two nights I've averaged about four hours of sleep combined, and I feel like I could collapse any second.

The first night it was yet another argument with Alan that kept me tossing and turning. Things aren't good right now. There's been a lot of things said and done that can't be taken back, and it's time for a complete overhaul of our relationship. Either that, or it's time to end it. I'm hoping like hell that things will work out, because I don't want to split up, but like I told him the other night--I'm tired of being that woman. You know, the one who stays in the marriage because it COULD be worse. Because "at least he doesn't hit me." Nevermind the verbal abuse, the going out all the time, the fact that he's acting more like a child than his ten month old baby. It's time for him to either get it together and be a husband and father--and a good one--or else he's going to have to hit the road.

And I'm serious about that last part. He'll be the one without a place to go. As screwed up and hateful as my parents can be sometimes, I have to give them credit for making sure I was taken care of in regards to this place. They made sure that it was in my name before Alan and I married. We planned to change it over a while ago, but never got around to it, and now I'm glad. Alan's making enough money that he can EASILY rent a place should it come down to the big D, but I'm not in that secure a place financially. This way, at least I have a foot to stand on if I end up by myself, which God willing, won't happen.

So...yeah. Things haven't been too good around here lately. Keep your virtual fingers crossed, okay?


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I am: so very many things. A mother, a wife, a dreamer, a lover of animals and babies, a friend. I've been called a bitch, but if that's what you call someone who stands up for what they believe in and refuses to settle, then I guess the title fits.

loves: my family, horses, a full night's sleep, puppy breath, my daughter's laughter, thunderstorms, bubble baths, makeup, soft sheets, David Sedaris and Augusten Burroughs, wine, massages, the written word, and sour straws.

dislikes: closed minds, depression, pimples, extreme heat, math, panic attacks, black licorice, doing laundry, white chocolate, gin, Bush.