Deep Breaths
4:30 p.m. - 2006-08-06

I'm scared. To death.

We sold the house yesterday. As in, I signed actual PAPERS that state in writing that we'll be out of here by September 25th. No money has changed hands yet, and it's not completely official. The buyer could still change her mind, or we could change ours, and pay $400 to back out of the contract. But we're not going to do that. Hopefully she won't either.

And yeah, I know I've been bitching about living here for years. We WANT to move out of this neighborhood. Hell, out of state even. There's nothing here for any of us--especially Ali--and we all deserve more and better opportunities. I want her to be able to play Little League if she wants, to attend a good school, to have activities to participate in. There's nothing here to that effect, and I know that moving is the best thing for everyone.

So why does my heart feel like it's about to beat out of my chest? Why is my throat closing up? What's making it so hard for me to breathe?

I guess it's because this is HOME. We've put so much work and love into this place that it's hard to imagine leaving it all behind. The thought of packing sends me into spasms.

We're still not sure where we're going to go. It's looking like we're going to try out the town in Arkansas that W. lives in. We've found a nice three bedroom house there for only $300 a month, and that's pretty damn hard to beat. It's a nice, clean, quiet little town where people don't even lock their doors. The schools are good, there are lots of parks and things for kids to take part in, and it's only about an hour away from two major cities.'s three hours from here. Three hours away from both mine and Alan's parents. Ali is so attached to her Mimi and Poppy, and the thought of them not getting to see her much is really tough for me. Of course, my best friend in the entire world lives there--right across the street from the house we're planning to rent, actually--and so does his mother (my "aunt"). So that will make things a little better.

I'm fluctuating between really excited and absolutely petrified, and it's a strange feeling.

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I am: so very many things. A mother, a wife, a dreamer, a lover of animals and babies, a friend. I've been called a bitch, but if that's what you call someone who stands up for what they believe in and refuses to settle, then I guess the title fits.

loves: my family, horses, a full night's sleep, puppy breath, my daughter's laughter, thunderstorms, bubble baths, makeup, soft sheets, David Sedaris and Augusten Burroughs, wine, massages, the written word, and sour straws.

dislikes: closed minds, depression, pimples, extreme heat, math, panic attacks, black licorice, doing laundry, white chocolate, gin, Bush.