Anyone want to jump on my pity-party bandwagon?
3:14 p.m. - 2006-07-28
If you'd told me a couple of years ago that I'd go twenty days without updating this space, I might just have called you crazy. This was my safe haven, the place that I came to when I needed to vent, or share good news, or just talk to hear myself when no one in real life would want to hear what I had to say. This blog (Journal--it used to be a journal) kept me sane.
Now it seems that I've pretty much given up on it, and that makes me sad. I've sat down in front of the computer so many times with the intention of writing something, but for some reason the words just won't come. I don't know why. I should have more to talk about now than I ever have, but life just feels so boring these days.
I've found myself saying "I need a job" a LOT lately. When I got pregnant the plan was to stay home until Ali started school, but now that I've been unemployed for over a year I'm having quite a hard time with that prospect. We're not hurting for money, but I'm just not as comfortable as I thought I'd be with Alan being the sole breadwinner. And even if he'd quit taking jabs at me about that--which is quickly becoming a BIG problem in our marriage--I feel stagnant. And, pathetic as it sounds, there are times that I feel completely worthless.
And yet at the same time, my life has never been more full of joy. Ali is hands down the most amazing person that I've ever met. There's nothing that I enjoy more than watching her grow and change, and I can't imagine being without her all day every day. Since she's been born, I've left her for more than an hour only twice, and both times I felt like I was missing a limb. I'm just not whole without her.
*Sigh* Maybe once Ali's a little older I can find something part time, or perhaps even work from home. Maybe I'll figure out what I want to do with my life--because it sure as hell isn't teaching--and take classes for that.
In other news, this is some seriously crazy shit. That guy grew up here--I know his family. My dad went to school with him. He dated Billy's (one of my best friends) mother. After he killed that girl in Colorado, he drove down here and picked Billy and his brother up and took them for a ride in his "new" (stolen) vehicle. My SIL's father was his best friend growing up. It's unbelievable how close you can be to evil without even realizing it, eh?
Talk about giving you the shivers.