No, he didn't cheat, at least not in the traditional sense.
11:32 a.m. - 2006-04-21

Days pass, and so little gets recorded.

Alan left yesterday, putting an end to a week of almost continuous squabbling. How can two people who only see each other for one week a month can manage to argue the entire time they're together?

Pretty easily, actually. He's been hiding things from me; lying about trivial stuff that wouldn't make much difference if I knew about it when it happened. But finding out the truth a month later angers me, and as I worked my way through the hundreds of tiny little deceits that he'd had to come up and keep up with, I got even more upset. I hate lies more than anything, and he knows that. I felt shocked and stupid and completely dumbfounded that he'd been able to keep the charade up for that long, and it's got me wondering what else he's lied about. His take on the issue is that if I don't ask, and he doesn't tell, it isn't lying. But to me, deliberate omission is the same thing as betrayal, especially when you go to great lengths to deceive.

I think things will be okay. It was hard enough before to know that he's hundreds of miles away in a city full of temptation without knowing what I do now.But we're going to get through this, dammit. We're a family now, and we're going to persevere.

Even if it takes fifty fucking phone calls a day.


Ali had her vaccinations yesterday, and she's felt bad ever since. She's not running a fever, but she's fussy and won't let me go, and I'm running low on patience.

She weighs 19 lbs. 9 oz. now, can sit unsupported, tries to scoot, babbles constantly, reaches for--and gets--just about anything that interests her. She smiles at everyone, and is without a doubt the most amazing person I've ever met. That little blue-eyed girl is my whole world, and I can't even remember what life was like before her.

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I am: so very many things. A mother, a wife, a dreamer, a lover of animals and babies, a friend. I've been called a bitch, but if that's what you call someone who stands up for what they believe in and refuses to settle, then I guess the title fits.

loves: my family, horses, a full night's sleep, puppy breath, my daughter's laughter, thunderstorms, bubble baths, makeup, soft sheets, David Sedaris and Augusten Burroughs, wine, massages, the written word, and sour straws.

dislikes: closed minds, depression, pimples, extreme heat, math, panic attacks, black licorice, doing laundry, white chocolate, gin, Bush.