Big blue eyes
6:38 a.m. - 2005-10-16

Five days old.

We've spent the last three worried about her jaundice. The pediatrician has scheduled another bilirubin test this morning, and if her level hasn't gone down, we may end up back in the hospital. Yesterday involved a whole lot of feeding and sunbathing through a window in hopes to get the number--which isn't significantly high, but enough to be concerned about--down. I really, really hope it worked. I've always been a worrier, but this tops anything I've ever felt before. I finally got some sleep last night (four whole hours!), but I had my hand on her the entire time. I'm petrified that I'll doze off and she'll quit breathing or something. Heh.

My milk finally came in yesterday, and OUCH. I can't believe the size of my breasts. They're rock hard, bigger than canteloupes, and pretty much impossible for her to nurse on. I've been pumping every two or three hours, so my supply is pretty amazing, but she's not wanting to latch on at all. We've been making do with syringe feedings since she's tired from the jaundice, but that's going to stop as soon as she becomes a little more alert. I'm meeting the local LLL leader at her house today so that we can work on the baby's latch and feeding, so hopefully that will help.

Otherwise, things are great. I can't keep my hands or eyes off of her, and am constantly amazed that Alan and I made something so unbelievably beautiful. I spent the first couple of days completely in awe of her, almost unable to grasp the fact that she's completely ours. An awesome responsibility, yes, but one I'd take on over and over again. I look forward to each and every day with her, and though I'm constantly reminding Alan not to wish her to grow up too fast ("I can't wait till she's a little bigger..."), I'm already anticipating what the future has in store for the three of us.

Pictures to come soon, I promise.

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I am: so very many things. A mother, a wife, a dreamer, a lover of animals and babies, a friend. I've been called a bitch, but if that's what you call someone who stands up for what they believe in and refuses to settle, then I guess the title fits.

loves: my family, horses, a full night's sleep, puppy breath, my daughter's laughter, thunderstorms, bubble baths, makeup, soft sheets, David Sedaris and Augusten Burroughs, wine, massages, the written word, and sour straws.

dislikes: closed minds, depression, pimples, extreme heat, math, panic attacks, black licorice, doing laundry, white chocolate, gin, Bush.