Mama doesn't know best.
10:30 a.m. - 2005-08-08

I feel like all I ever do in here anymore is complain, but I have to get this out before I break down.

Pregnancy has (of course) made me more sensitive and emotional, and I'm the first to admit that I've acted completely irrational more than once during the past seven months. Still, I can't help thinking that I have a right to be hurt and upset by the current turn of events.

I keep reading and hearing about how women start feeling closer than ever to their mother when they're pregnant, but that's completely NOT the case with me. I've never felt more distant from anyone in my life, and it's seriously affecting the way I feel about my relationship with her.

I've mentioned that my parents take an annual trip to Florida during November. It's never been a problem in the past, and it's actually worked out quite well because we could go down over Thanksgiving break and enjoy some much needed R&R.

When I found out I was pregnant and due at the beginning of November, I really didn't give much thought to the fact that that's during their vacation time. After all, they're both retired now, so they can take a trip at any point during the year. They hadn't booked the condo yet, so the logical thing would be to rent it a couple months after the baby's due.

But obviously my parents didn't see that as logical at all. My baby is due sometime between the 1st and the 3rd, and they went ahead and got the condo for November 5-30. My mother's been saying that she hopes the baby comes early--like, middle of October early--so that it won't interfere with her trip. She keeps telling me to ask the doctor about being induced as soon as possible, even though she knows that I don't have any intention of doing that. Doesn't seem to matter that there could be major complications if she arrives three weeks before she's supposed to, because "Babies are born that early all the time!" The doctors can handle it, no problem, she says. She doesn't seem to think that I'll need her help taking care of a newborn, regardless of the fact that she's the only person in either family that breastfed, and I might need some help. "What's hard about breastfeeding? You just put the baby up to your boob, and they eat. I never had ANY problem breastfeeding your brother."

And those questions that every first time mother needs help with, like when the baby gets a fever or won't stop crying? "Oh, your mother in law and your grandmother will be more than happy to help. What could you possibly need me for?" I don't guess I will, mom, especially since you're purposely choosing to be ten hours away.

I've known about the trip for awhile, though, and it's not what brought on this particular crying jag. It's a big factor, of course, because I get really upset every time I think of it, but it's not the main culprit today.

She called about thirty minutes ago under the pretense of checking on me. About five minutes into the conversation, she mentioned that my brother is going out of town tomorrow, and that I'm going to have to keep the new puppy that he just got.

Let's review. I'm seven months pregnant, crippled by sciatica and migraines, already taking care of THREE dogs (trying to housebreak one of them), attempting to get my house in order for a new baby, and now she's telling me that I have to take in another animal because my brother is leaving and she doesn't want to be inconvenienced? Does that sound as fucked up to anyone else as it does to me?

I tried to explain that I just really don't feel up to dealing with another puppy. It's taking everything I have to keep the house even somewhat in order, and it's really difficult for me to get down on my hands and knees to try and clean piss out of the carpet from just ONE dog's accidents. I don't have the energy to do it for two. Of course, she launched into her normal spiel about how she's in the process of having her house redecorated, and how her backyard fence has holes in it, and how she didn't want him to get the dog in the first place, and how she got stung by a wasp THREE DAYS ago, so I absolutely have to keep the dog because she just is NOT going to do it.

I don't even have it in me to fight anymore. I wanted to shout and scream at her, to tell her that I'm sick of having to deal with her bullshit. I'm tired of being the responsible one, the one who gets saddled with extra crap because my brother is too goddamn spoiled and lazy to take care of his own problems. How I'm tired of everything in the world revolving around the rest of the family, and no one giving a shit about what's going on with me. The fucking world was about to come to an end because J. was on DRUGS--oh my god, we had to DO SOMETHING-- so let's pay all his bills and let him lie on his ass for a year and a half (don't say anything to him that might set him off!) because his fragile mind can't take the pressure of dealing with anything too pressing, like getting a goddamn job or cooking his own fucking food. So everyone walked on eggshells around him until my dad finally got sick of it and almost killed him, which threw everyone into a state of panic and could easily have cost me another baby.

And THAT'S what makes me more pissed than anything. This baby, this little person inside me, is completely insignificant to my entire family. This is their first "real" grandchild, and they don't even seem to care. I've had problems throughout this pregnancy, and my mother has continually dismissed me as being a hypochondriac and a wimp.

Guess typing this out worked, because I'm not crying anymore. I'm PISSED, and I think my blood pressure just shot through the roof.

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I am: so very many things. A mother, a wife, a dreamer, a lover of animals and babies, a friend. I've been called a bitch, but if that's what you call someone who stands up for what they believe in and refuses to settle, then I guess the title fits.

loves: my family, horses, a full night's sleep, puppy breath, my daughter's laughter, thunderstorms, bubble baths, makeup, soft sheets, David Sedaris and Augusten Burroughs, wine, massages, the written word, and sour straws.

dislikes: closed minds, depression, pimples, extreme heat, math, panic attacks, black licorice, doing laundry, white chocolate, gin, Bush.