Ain't Too Proud to Beg
10:21 a.m. - 2005-07-19

AHH! I'm freaking out!

I've spent practically the entire summer stressing out about my back-to-work situation, and now it's time to really face it.

I've played it pretty calm, cool, and collected here, but truth be told, I've spent more than one sleepless night worrying about what's going to happen come the middle of August. I'm even more terrified about what's going to occur in January, when I'm supposed to start back to work for real.

Part of me thinks that my unease stems from not wanting to be completely dependent on Alan. I have occassional flip-outs about having a new, tiny little person being completely dependent on me for the next forever. I can't imagine knowing that I had to provide for and take care of three people all by myself. That's a lot to ask of someone.

Thing is, I know he doesn't mind. He really, really wants this too. Every time we start talking about it, he tells me that he wants me to stay home. He's not demanding it, certainly, because we both know that things would be a LOT easier monetarily if I didn't take this year off. But I know myself well enough to understand that I'd probably go off the deep end if I had to manage a job and mothering at the same time. I don't think the school board would look too highly on my pumping breasmilk in the classroom, anyway, and I don't want to give up what I know is best for my baby. I shouldn't have to.

Now that I've finished banging my head on the floor and screaming "It's not FAIR!" at the top of my lungs, I guess I ought to mention that a call from my principal is what brought this on. She wanted to let me know that she's moving me up to second grade (gee, three classroom swaps in three years, how Not Fun!) and to find out when the baby is due (thanks for listening when I told those other three times!) and what I plan to do about maternity leave. I tried to be as honest about what's going on as possible (without telling more than I thought was necessary), and mentioned that the doctor may be putting me on rest. She replied, "Oh, well, that's okay. We'll just get whoever is subbing for your maternity leave to come in a week or so early if that's the case." I hadn't said anything to indicate that I'd only be put on rest for a week; in fact, I made it clear I was talking about early on in the year. She told me that I needed to get in touch with a substitute and schedule her for that period of time, and was about to give me a phone number to try when she suddenly had to go. She was supposed to call me right back, but she hasn't, and now I'm paranoid that the phone call is going to be more of a "We're letting you go" type of message.

Maybe I should have just kept my mouth shut and not worried about doing the right thing. I keep saying that, but it still doesn't sound right. I'm not able to do things that way--never have been able to lie and cheat very well. I have another doctor's appointment on Friday, and he's giving me the letter for home rest then. If I haven't heard back from her by Monday, I'll put in a call to the school board and let them know what's going on.

How much does unemployment pay again?

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I am: so very many things. A mother, a wife, a dreamer, a lover of animals and babies, a friend. I've been called a bitch, but if that's what you call someone who stands up for what they believe in and refuses to settle, then I guess the title fits.

loves: my family, horses, a full night's sleep, puppy breath, my daughter's laughter, thunderstorms, bubble baths, makeup, soft sheets, David Sedaris and Augusten Burroughs, wine, massages, the written word, and sour straws.

dislikes: closed minds, depression, pimples, extreme heat, math, panic attacks, black licorice, doing laundry, white chocolate, gin, Bush.